Embrace..yes Im going to embrace

There are so many things to marvel about every day. Small things.
The happiness spreading in my body as I drink that great Dormans coffee in the morning...only that is a mind blowing human little thing that makes life good and happy.

Today is a good day. Just because our office is finally almost a place where I want to sit and work. Its comfy now. Almost nice. And after painting over the scratches on the big lion print on the wall I feel quite content having a big male lion staring at me while Im spending only 30 min...or 45...reading blogs and facebook thingies...and pretending to work. Well, Im thinking about the project review tomorrow...so that is almost work right?!

Im back in Nairobi and feet down on the ground. That urge to call him and go over to his place and...well you know...its there. But Im keeping it on a safety distance so far.

So today and hopefully tomorrow...Im gonna keep open minded, embrace whatever comes next and make my day a bit better with small means. I can spoil myself if I want to. If there was a good place for shopping I certainally would go buy something luxurious and glammy...but as I dont have that many options here I think I might just dye my hair.

Ok, maybe work now...

I feel like kissing someone....mmmwwwaaah.....lovesick...love struck...little me....

I suppose there is a certain feeling of accomplishment when I actually reflect over the work done by the women. Its easy to be blind for what you see every day. And I forget that what they are making are unique things. And those things have sprung from my creativity and their heritage.

But somewhere along the line I lost my motivation. I lost the energy and my way of clinging onto my happy believes. I might have become a cynic.

Its time to restore that. At least partially.

I do believe...still...in a person like Naramat for example.

I believe in her spontaneous laugh, her curious eyes and how she bares hear head high and never stops learning and living each day fresh. Im not sure I would do that if I had a drunkard of husband and a whole heap of cows and muddy goats to tend to, fetch water and firewood, raise children and make food and still have time to come work with this crazy white lady...

Why are we so great when we are close together. As close as it gets.
And ridiculously bad at being apart.
Still making the same mistakes.

Tearing and trashing the little kindness that rested in between us.

A dear friend told me yesterday that I need to chill out more, that I need to put my anxiety behind me and no be super efficient, super producing and super good all the time. That I should stop hitting the ball over and over again over the net without someone playing with me. I need to sit back, relax and drink a lemonade until the other player decides to hit the ball back. My friend was talking about work. But I reckon it goes for my personal life too.

In my eagerness I let myself down all the time.

And while Im at it. I feel guilty for feeling rubbish about life when Im so privileged, when I have such a amazing life full of fun stuff. So I shall stop sulking. And I shall stop beating myself up about it.

I have been without you for as long as
We were an item
For as long as I tiptoed in your world
For as long as you were part of my daily thinking routine


Still you occupy my unconscious moments of longing
When I seek for something
When I remember how it felt
To be attached to your skin

How we melted together only to be stuck with unbearable silence
How our bodies spoke the language
Our tongues didn’t manage
Like a birds nest I rested in your security
Of unspoken words

I know that you want me
Still
You know how I would bend for you
Remember
The passion so much greater than all those angry voices
All the tension and anxiety

But it wasn’t our time
Would it ever be?
More than the time of our bodies
More then the time of your unfolded length
And my pale skin

In my heart
Still a place for you
A piece that is broken
Until
You
You in a softer version

What happened to you?
What happened to me?
It felt so good to be close again.
And so shit to realize we were still doing the same mistakes.

It appears we only function when we are as close as it gets.
Any sort of distance creates a universe of downfall between us.

I cant stand the thought of not being important.
You cant stand me requesting you to exist in my world.

The only way we know how to love
is not right
and you refuse to fight
and I remain to hope
for the sake of resting a minute with you