Kitty cats

Mara is full of fluffy pretty and hungry kitty cats like this
I have seen them a million times
But still it blows my mind
That they are just there, sitting, lying, waiting, in the shade
Miaaaoooo

How can I describe this?

The mixed up feeling I have right now
Wanting to stay so desperately
Cant see how I could though
Need to go
Need something new
Just need to be patient

But all this love surrounding me right now is too much
How can I not be here with them?
How can I say good bye to all my friends?
To a Sunday like this?

In Mara to say good bye

In a way...it feels like it was yesterday that we lived here, me and R. Only a few hours since we had coffee in the chilly kitchen and sat on a bed watching House. Just the other day that we went out on a sundowner with warm beers and binoculars.

It was a different life. I miss it sometimes.
Im here to say bye to the women. And to close this chapter.

I just have to write something about this weirdness
About finding some of the things I have been looking for in a stranger

in something so totally disastrous and hopeless
in a connection so delayed and unexpected

sleepless
time is ticking

why did this happen now?
what is the point?
will it continue?

a man in a hat

Marathon

My lovely friend Cassie has done a good job putting the San Diego Rock n Roll Marathon idea into my head. And after yesterdays little test of my fitness Im totally ON to this mad challenge. I just hope that all other practical things in my life will allow it to happen logistically.

So now. Starting to train seriously. Making a schedule. Tracking my progress.
Im feeling great. And I know I can do it.

A once in a lifetime thing. To celebrate that I have two strong legs, functional lungs and that big love filled heart of mine can beat and hammer and bounce all it wants to get me through it.

Everything is possible right?

I want to go I want to stay

I dont want to let go of the adventure, of the excitement, of the high of avoiding normality
I dont want to think about calling some other place "home"
I dont want it to become only memories

I want to keep it reality

But then again
I look at all these people and I know its time to go
Its time to redo all the knots and hiccups
Its time to let go

Of that dream I had
Of what I chased

Every day I feel it stronger
That I have to leave
And how it will break me

Silole cottage

The perfect hideout 45 min out of the hustle and bustle
Had a great day there last week with El.
Peace and quiet, overlooking the Nairobi National Park and the Nairobi skyline.
A breather, a pause, a perfect place to be.

"when the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life" - stephen covey

KSPCA Nairobi

If I had a house with a garden I would for sure adopt one or two of these homeless darlings.

Lovely lovely people

Just to say something to a few of you that mean the world to me...

R...you are my rock and my focus point when it gets blurry. You know me and all my demons. You have seen me cry until there were no more tears and you have laughed with me so many times. Always there. Never far. You see the good and the bad in me and love me all the same.

T...accepted me being different and kept me close even when it was uncomfortable. Listening and kicking my ass when I go overboard. Rationality and coffee. And lovely Y.

E...sweetness, goodness, honey and a laugh. Never there, always late. But so present. Radiator of care and love.

M...bright and random you glitter and shine up minutes of my life with those small words of adoration. We can talk for hours.

El...finally someone that feels and sees what I see. You understand my own memories, because you also have the same ones. A delayed, but dear friendship.

Malindi

Spoiled with Kenya
It will be hard to have it any other way

Im not really in the mood

To wake up
To do this Friday
To get stuck in traffic
To smile

I'm not sure what I would rather do
I wish I could just float

Good times...I will miss

Parts of my life here have just been magical
And I will desperately miss
Moments with friends
Kilimanjaro watching
Soft sunsets

Would love to have two of these on my wall one day. They look sort of clueless, confused and abruptly startled. They are also wonderfully graphical, tribal and just fantastic.

Saw them in a craft stall in Ghana, and if my bag had been bigger and my wallet thicker they would have been mine.

Dear Santa...I have been a very nice girl this year...

A post for you

So...you said you were thinking of ways of getting into another post on this blog...
here it is

Its funny, I think we both know, how we met and connected
and how you listened to me, figured me out and explained...while all along you were really sorting out yourself in just the same way
you saw the look in my eyes and knew
because you were in the same place

If it still makes sense...will you tell me about it?

You are absolutely crazy
And for that Im grateful

Timedealings

I should get used to it I guess
To have time without purpose
to be alone and cold
Soon I will be up North with only a blanket as comfort through lonely days
No one to call, no stolen moments on borrowed shoulders, no illusions

Its been a while of slowing down
Its been months of feeling restless and out of place
I cant seem to do what other people do
Just be happy and peaceful resting in the opposite of stress

I have realized lately that a few things are vital for my sanity
I need my people around me, I need their laughter, their care and their touch
I need to feel like I make a difference, for someone, anyone, something bigger
I need activity, busyness, diversions and distractions. So I don't have time to fall into my own crazy mind.

I'm not happy here
I know I should enjoy the hell out of it now...while I can
But instead my body is filled with heavy weights
With melancholy

And I'm scared...that it wont get better