Like yesterday...like forever

A week ago we said good bye
Seven days since I cried silently at the airport
A second ago that I remembered how your hand feels like

Im not sure
Where Im going
And why

But I know there will be movement
I need it
Restless in this world
Do I have a choice?

Kenya is with me
Every breath
I cant imagine moving back without recovering first
I cant imagine to stay here

SNOW

Everythings Brilliant

Thank you! For making my last days so special. For making me feel happy again. For being in the right place at the right time.

Panic attack

Christmas tomorrow
Sweden covered in white crisp snow
Beautiful
Clear
My chaotic parents and their chaos
Landing and realizing
That all my things
My life
Is not there

Not there, where my heart is
Not with the rolling hills and huge trees
Not where the sun shines on dusty soil
Not where traffic jam makes me want to cry
Not where Im used to returning to
The place that made me into me

Where Im special
And where I thought I belonged

Arrived

Arrival in a snowy world
a zero degrees wake up call
"hello" says reality and my decision is manifested by
two packed bags
my only things
rumbled up in a mess
Where do I go from here?
Why does it feel like I just made a mistake?
leaving the kites in the sky
monkeys in the garden
rolling hills and dusty roads
wonders and adventures
For a Christmas paranoid shopping mall world
with snow flakes dancing
woolen jumpers and wet toes

Where is home?

This is it

Leaving
What am I leaving behind?
A piece of me
My heart crumbling down on the dirty sidewalks
When will I be back?
Ever?
What about you and me and our bubble of intimacy
My last days in a happy haze

Still, inside of the tangle of thoughts
I know
I need to leave
I need to go today
So that something can happen tomorrow

60 roses

Thanks for an amazing day
Waking up to roses and balloons, breakfast in bed with you
Decorating a Christmas tree with your family
And wonderful dinner talking about life
Never felt quite this belonging
Makes me wanna stay and continue to live in your bed
In your space
In your sofa
Can we just freeze this moment?
This short glitter of time when we cant untangle
Now, when I wake up smiling

Moved

Emptied apartment
Boxes with things
the ones I really like
Furniture in a blue storage room
My photo on someone else wall
My bags in a bedroom that is not mine
And your sweetness
trying to make this process easier
Transition with you

I dont know what scares me most...
That I might really like you
That you might really like me
That you are lightyears older then me
That Im leaving in 15 days
Or just wanting things I cant have
Now, how do we navigate around this?
Straight through?
Not sure Im brave enough...

Some people are like icicles
but without the melting part

It doesnt matter how many times you bring sunshine in
They are still cold
Hard
Alone

For 30 minutes or so
you defrosted the surface
you let my words come through
you put your guard down

See it wasn't that bad was it?
To talk about what makes you ice
and me alone

Countdown

Its becoming very real now
And as I put my things in boxes I free myself from belonging here
I loose a little bit of nostalgia for every sealed carton
Im ready to move
Im ready for change
Wondering when and where I will hang my paintings up again?
How much will have happened before I wear that top again that I just packed down?
How will I feel?

19 days

Firedance

My friend Mickey leared how to firedance from YouTube...

Olesere

Kitty cats

Mara is full of fluffy pretty and hungry kitty cats like this
I have seen them a million times
But still it blows my mind
That they are just there, sitting, lying, waiting, in the shade
Miaaaoooo

How can I describe this?

The mixed up feeling I have right now
Wanting to stay so desperately
Cant see how I could though
Need to go
Need something new
Just need to be patient

But all this love surrounding me right now is too much
How can I not be here with them?
How can I say good bye to all my friends?
To a Sunday like this?

In Mara to say good bye

In a way...it feels like it was yesterday that we lived here, me and R. Only a few hours since we had coffee in the chilly kitchen and sat on a bed watching House. Just the other day that we went out on a sundowner with warm beers and binoculars.

It was a different life. I miss it sometimes.
Im here to say bye to the women. And to close this chapter.

I just have to write something about this weirdness
About finding some of the things I have been looking for in a stranger

in something so totally disastrous and hopeless
in a connection so delayed and unexpected

sleepless
time is ticking

why did this happen now?
what is the point?
will it continue?

a man in a hat

Marathon

My lovely friend Cassie has done a good job putting the San Diego Rock n Roll Marathon idea into my head. And after yesterdays little test of my fitness Im totally ON to this mad challenge. I just hope that all other practical things in my life will allow it to happen logistically.

So now. Starting to train seriously. Making a schedule. Tracking my progress.
Im feeling great. And I know I can do it.

A once in a lifetime thing. To celebrate that I have two strong legs, functional lungs and that big love filled heart of mine can beat and hammer and bounce all it wants to get me through it.

Everything is possible right?

I want to go I want to stay

I dont want to let go of the adventure, of the excitement, of the high of avoiding normality
I dont want to think about calling some other place "home"
I dont want it to become only memories

I want to keep it reality

But then again
I look at all these people and I know its time to go
Its time to redo all the knots and hiccups
Its time to let go

Of that dream I had
Of what I chased

Every day I feel it stronger
That I have to leave
And how it will break me

Silole cottage

The perfect hideout 45 min out of the hustle and bustle
Had a great day there last week with El.
Peace and quiet, overlooking the Nairobi National Park and the Nairobi skyline.
A breather, a pause, a perfect place to be.

"when the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life" - stephen covey

KSPCA Nairobi

If I had a house with a garden I would for sure adopt one or two of these homeless darlings.

Lovely lovely people

Just to say something to a few of you that mean the world to me...

R...you are my rock and my focus point when it gets blurry. You know me and all my demons. You have seen me cry until there were no more tears and you have laughed with me so many times. Always there. Never far. You see the good and the bad in me and love me all the same.

T...accepted me being different and kept me close even when it was uncomfortable. Listening and kicking my ass when I go overboard. Rationality and coffee. And lovely Y.

E...sweetness, goodness, honey and a laugh. Never there, always late. But so present. Radiator of care and love.

M...bright and random you glitter and shine up minutes of my life with those small words of adoration. We can talk for hours.

El...finally someone that feels and sees what I see. You understand my own memories, because you also have the same ones. A delayed, but dear friendship.

Malindi

Spoiled with Kenya
It will be hard to have it any other way

Im not really in the mood

To wake up
To do this Friday
To get stuck in traffic
To smile

I'm not sure what I would rather do
I wish I could just float

Good times...I will miss

Parts of my life here have just been magical
And I will desperately miss
Moments with friends
Kilimanjaro watching
Soft sunsets

Would love to have two of these on my wall one day. They look sort of clueless, confused and abruptly startled. They are also wonderfully graphical, tribal and just fantastic.

Saw them in a craft stall in Ghana, and if my bag had been bigger and my wallet thicker they would have been mine.

Dear Santa...I have been a very nice girl this year...

A post for you

So...you said you were thinking of ways of getting into another post on this blog...
here it is

Its funny, I think we both know, how we met and connected
and how you listened to me, figured me out and explained...while all along you were really sorting out yourself in just the same way
you saw the look in my eyes and knew
because you were in the same place

If it still makes sense...will you tell me about it?

You are absolutely crazy
And for that Im grateful

Timedealings

I should get used to it I guess
To have time without purpose
to be alone and cold
Soon I will be up North with only a blanket as comfort through lonely days
No one to call, no stolen moments on borrowed shoulders, no illusions

Its been a while of slowing down
Its been months of feeling restless and out of place
I cant seem to do what other people do
Just be happy and peaceful resting in the opposite of stress

I have realized lately that a few things are vital for my sanity
I need my people around me, I need their laughter, their care and their touch
I need to feel like I make a difference, for someone, anyone, something bigger
I need activity, busyness, diversions and distractions. So I don't have time to fall into my own crazy mind.

I'm not happy here
I know I should enjoy the hell out of it now...while I can
But instead my body is filled with heavy weights
With melancholy

And I'm scared...that it wont get better

Sometimes, no most of the time, I just wonder...

does anyone give a shit?

about me

To want it all

I want you, someone, whoever, with deep desire, lust and passion
Not to be linked to, not to be entangled to, but to consume...hungry on lust and no promises
Something casual and cold, a desire kept burning by random coincidences and timing
To be able to not speak about it, to just move and shift and flee

I want a companion, someone for the lonely hours between "must's and do's" that gets me
A person who adds spectacular thoughts on a normal morning and finds me more beautiful when I'm not sure, when I'm clueless and chewing on a apple like a maniac
He, who will want my soul more than my body, and rests close knowing I'm safe

Just not sure he could be the same person

I just want attention

I just want love and attention
I just want to feel desired and needed
I just want someone to go to the extremes for me

I just want to feel special
For being me

Same same but different

I went to Ghana, 8 days on my own, without a plan.
My own solitude sacred me.
The newness of a unknown place made me put all my thorns out.
I dint realize that Ghana was a softer version of Kenya.
Where people only wanted me to smile.
Where no one wanted to rob me of possessions or experiences.

In between my thoughts. I saw a new landscape outside the bus window. I strengthened myself in knowing I can do this. I can manage. I can experience, without anyone.

And someone told me, over and over again, the truth, the simplest of thoughts;
I will be fine

Sunrise

There is nothing like the African sun rising or setting.
It makes my heart glow.
Even Ngong rd looks pretty at about 6.15 am.

I would miss this terribly if I go away.

And act of desperation

I'm not at all proud of it.
And it only made me feel better momentarily.
For a short while it felt good to touch, to be someone else, to pretend.
Rebel against you.
Rebel against my heart.

But also this made me left cold and empty.
Only missing you more then before.

What is an empty kiss anyway? A lie. A lie straight up our faces.
There is no joy to tangled hair without that soft embrace of possible promises.

Beautiful beasts

When Im out there I can breathe

I went to visit my best friend where he works out in the bush.
And life felt a bit greater.
When I see trees I can breathe and forget you.
When I feel the wild I'm myself.
When I sleep under stars tomorrow will be gentle.
Above the clouds all my demons are insignificant.

A drive to Amboseli

Is not to recommend for anyone that cant stand dust, bumps and a endless road.
But somehow I made it here on my own, after a few breakdowns, not mechanical, emotional.
And I'm glad I decided to leave the city and escape my demons for a while.

I'm still lost and confused about me and my place in this world.
But it always feels better when talking to elephants.

Did I really want to become a designer?

I mean how thought through was really my decision to study Design?
At the time I wanted nothing else.
In a way, now I wish I had done something different. Become something easier to define and something that would make job seeking a bit more straight forward.

Im starting to look at new possibilities....but where and as what I have no idea...I just know there's got to be something out there...

There is something about Sweden

There is something with the raw rocks that moves me
maybe a bit nostalgia

The dampness of a morning
ladybug gone missing

The knowledge of safe walking
and personal space

Like childhood fairytales it reminds me
of mystery, seaweed, safety pins and street signs

If you ever call again.
If you ever see me again.
If you ever hug me again.

You will hear a voice full of broken glass.
You will see a scared version of me.
You will feel my ribs like a fake metal grid around my heart.

I cant eat. I'm exhausted. I can not think about you.
I'm afraid of breaking.

With this overpopulated earth...is it really ethical to want to have children?

Had a major argument with one of my closest friends the other day.
First of all he doesnt like kids.
His second argument for not choosing to have children weighs a bit heavier; overpopulation of the planet.
How can it be environmentally sound and sustainable to raise a family. Even if you can provide the best future. Even if you can drive green cars and replant rain forest and shop eco-cotton clothes and eat local vegetables. Every western child consumes this planets resources probably 10 times of a child in the developing world.
So even if we want to see the solution in providing slum dwellers with condoms...it not gonna work.
My friend has a point. And he is firm in his believes. He can agree to say that one kid is at least better than three.

I still want a family one day. I want to give birth to a child if I can. But I dont want to bring something wonderful into this world just to destroy the planet equally much.

One child? Is that fair?

My flyffy little friend

She is the worlds cutest Tree Hyrax. And I shall call her Helga.
Helga lives in the big tree outside our guest dining in Mara. Such a sweetie.

Portfolio/CV/Resume

How do you best display your work and skills when you are a bit in between words and pictures?
Somewhere a bit undefined in your career.
And there is no red thread in your work...

Should it be strict and organized?
Dynamic and flimsy?
Graphic and creative?

Klick

I still love this lamp I designed in my 2:nd year of Design School. My teacher didn't.
I'm so happy it still works and that it's hanging in my sisters bedroom in the fancy nice apartment that finally does justice to my light source.

So I suppose that sometimes, once in a while, I do get good ideas...
:-)

A green man and my sis

Cant decide if the Hulk or Lina is coolest?!

Sick and tired of paradise

Tomorrow I'm going back to Mara. Has been a while. I'm not excited. Not looking forward.
It used to be the opposite. It used to be paradise.

How did it stop to be a place to breathe and live?
When did I stop to love it?

Need to find a new paradise.

Birthdaypresents

What do you give to one of your best friends on his 30th birthday?
A tie? Boring, he must have 50 already as he wears it to work every day.
Cuff links? I'm not a cuff link kind of girl..have no clue whats hot...
Flowers? Ehhheee....no
Something for the house? He is not that domestic...

My friend is funny, warm, loving, clever and ambitious. He is earth grounded and sees through superficial stuff. He is sensible and a real rock.

I got him two books. I love getting books. I bough one funny one and one more serious but totally interesting book I have read and loved. And a cute handmade card with an ostrich on.

Happy birthday my fantastic friend!
Love you!

That was wayyyy to serious for a Thursday

I want to feel as cute and playful as a MONKI t-shirt

My last post, yes, was a bit melodramatic and serious.
Today Im totally mindset on not falling down in that existential future "what will happen" hole.
Its a awfully sunny pretty day outside and its Friday.

Future

Today...the future scares me again.
I'm not sure what I will do, work with and make a living.
Just to dream is not so easy today.

I know there is something, got to be something, that I will rock at doing. That I will be passionate about again. But right now my current job is making me feel like sleeping, hiding or run far away. I simply don't like it anymore.
I suppose thats natural.

Time to move on...I have said it before...and I want to keep on repeating it. Until I lift myself up and do something about it.

Skatteverket

Here I haven been rating about how organized and well structured Sweden is....only to go on a "start your own business introduction" by our tax authority and be totally beaten down by the complexity.

I like to believe that Im a fairly smart chick. I like to believe that Im at least just as smart as others with their own small firms. So how hard can it possibly be?

But after 3 hours of taxes, VAT, declaration forms and different scary tax related words...Im lost.

And the biggest question is; how the hell does anyone manage to have a profitable business when the state eats most of your revenue anyway?

Whats good lookin here is not really all that special somewhere else

When you get to go to a high tech developed country about once a year you will find lots of interesting things that seems unique, awesome, funky and right out unnecessary.
Im amazed (still) by the speed of internet, spotify, playstation filled with cool stuff, that the amount of fake blondes is still the same, the price of a latte in any café and of course the fashion slaves.

I somehow understand them a bit. It is easy and maybe sometimes tempting, to fall into the trend boxes and get high on a new style. Hey, most of us like to dress up a bit so we feel pretty, special and new. But what I dont get is to the extent a huge amount of women here follow the fashion trends, no matter how silly they are. You walk down the street and cant help but staring at some... let me tell you this; not all people have the right legs for skinny jeans, not all skin types goes well with the colour yellow, and not all dogs like to be carried in your handbag.

What was my poin...ehhhmm, yes....so then when it comes down to me..of course Im sucked in a little bit. I feel and touch some cool hip clothes in the store. I try some on sometimes. But I almost always realize. They are not me. And they are definitely not Kenyan me. And so I let it be and I long to be back at home. Where my style rocks. And where my flip flops never go out of fashion.

This place is so organized

Its almost like the government has put post-its on all your thoughts and offers you free consultations on what to make for dinner...almost...

Sweden

A unexpected visit to Sweden. And so Im here. Its rainy and a bit cold, compared to Africa at least. But somehow that weather is refreshing.
Im staying with my darling sister and her boy. They live in this fantastic apartment...humongous! To sit down in the sofa and realize you forgot your juice in the kitchen is a pain in the behind because its like a minor marathon just getting to the kitchen and back again...
Wooden floors squeaking under my feet. A cozy kitchen where me and Lina made chicken dinner last night. Lazying in the sofa in the evenings watching silly TV programs on their huge flatscreen.

I know I know that I have said I dont want a life in a Swedish way...I dont want to do the normal things and live a pointless life. But I would not mind having an apartment like this.

Flyyyying hiiiigh

Oh god that felt good!

Independent City

"City" and I had a great day yesterday. And for you who doesn't know...City is a horse.
For the second time I went out to Kawamwaki farm to hang with my four legged deeply missed friends...horses. Its funny how old things I used to know comes back into my memory. And it was such a great feeling to ride around on City in the arena and realizing that I still know how to.

We jumped and did some ground work. It went so well. I have a taste for it now.... Then went out for a bit with Gabriel.

City fits me perfectly. She is totally freaky. A 17 year old lady thats till thinks she is a kid. Her youth spent on the race course and it has got into her head. But I dont mind her jumping about. I dont mind her having a strong will. I dont mind at all that she is a bit hot and dancy.

Going riding again in a bit. My bum is soar and I got blisters on my fingers. But I dont care.

Going fashionable

So this weekend its Fashion for Peace in Nairobi and that means a big runway show with the best of African and Kenyan designs. My Maasai jewelery designs are getting displayed on a model during the cocktail before dinner. All designers and models LOVED my things...but I only had one set.

Matched it up on this gorgeous girl, Yvonne, wearing a dress by Stella, a Ugandan designer. I cant be there tonight to see it myself (the price for a ticket equals 4,5 hours of horse riding and I got my priorities right)...but I know it will be fab!